on being lonely

One of my biggest problems in life is being alone. It might even be called a fear. I am not afraid to be "alone" in a crowd, in fact I am starting to believe I like that sometimes. I do not like being ALONE alone. If I was on some sort of program to deal with this, I am sure one of the beginning steps would be to thinking about why it is a problem for me. 

Step 1: I believe I do not like being alone not because I am afraid of what might happen, but because I feel like I am missing out on things. I feel pathetic. I feel like I SHOULD be talking to someone or hanging out with someone or just knowing someone else is in the house with me. I like alone time in moderation, an hour or two. But tomorrow I am sure I will be skipping ahead a few steps in my mock program...

Step 5: test yourself. WHAT A JUMP! I will spend all afternoon and night here. all alone. Knowing me, I will not. I will go somewhere to study or shop in the afternoon. But I will be alone for the evening and night. To help cope I want to make a list of things I would theoretically like to do in the event of the house to myself:

- Cook and bake is first and my alone time go-to. Maybe.

- Bubble bath. Relaxing... but possibly depressing to me knowing I am home alone and just marinading in the bathtub....

- Play some guitar. I've been getting into my guitar but I my not want to. I need to be inspired.

- Read. I wouldn't, I'd watch T.v.

- Watch T.v. For some reason watching TV connects me to others in the world and doesn't make me feel as alone. I do feel lame though....

- Arts and crafts! Find a project, like maybe work on the frames I am hoping to make my parents for Christmas. The thing is... alone in the basement crafting... maybe I just need to get over the fact that whatever I do I'll be doing it "alone" and that will open up options. 

- Work out. One of the few things in life I love to do alone. Yes. I will work out. 

- Clean my room. Much needed. I hate doing it. Its so messy though. Maybe. 

- Homework. HAHHAHA. maybe though. seriously. 

I am refer to the list in times of need. I think I can do it. Step 5 WOW! just a few steps from victory. 

Wisconsin thing of the day: Wondering if I would survive the 20 minutes I stand outside and watch the boys play football. Alec got hit in the face so we left. It would have been 40 minutes so I was happy. Just kidding.... :)