dang it

Hi. Im Rachel. I never blog.

The inevitable happened. The blog avoidance. Sorry 'bout it. 

to hug or not to hug

So, I know I am not the first to say this, but I, too enjoy awkward situations in life. I am not talking about enjoying them AFTERWORDS, but thats fun too - i'm talking I like being in them sometimes. But, sometimes I dont. And the awkward i DONT LIKE seems to keep creeping up on my lately....

 - Saying good bye to someone (or a group of people) that I don't know very well. Taking it a step further, saying good bye to a group of people I dont know very well while accompanying someone who DOES know them well! AHH! should i hug too? or a boyish handshake? A wave? a double hand wave? This situation usually leaves me wishing I didnt have hands or arms and could just stand there. Sometimes jokes are made such as "OH! haha i didnt know if you were going for the hug.. or.." or "Common, We are practically family! ::HUG::" 

 - When your socks slide off your feet and in your boots. Yes, its awkward walking funny because of this, but the most awkward is when you get to class and then have to (yes HAVE TO! you cant stay that way all day...) take your boot off and your have your bare foot exposed. YUCK!! 

 - raising your hand in class to say something that you are secretly proud of for being such a good idea only to have it be proven wrong. OR you get your smarty pants point across and seconds before you start grinning to yourself the professor asks you a follow up question. Of course, now you will surely make a fool of yourself. 

 - Asking someone to repeat themselves 100 times, and then after time 101 you decide to pretend you FINALLY understood them. Later, after a few minutes of trying to regain consciousness in the conversation, you ask them a question, or say something that was what they had to repeat 101 times. oops... 

hahaha Oh life. It's so funny sometimes. 

So now down to business, a few follow-ups on the goings on of Rachel. 

Field work - is going awesome! :) I already have a ton of stories about the cute second graders of Hopkins Street Elementary. So pretty much I go there mon. wed. mornings and friday either morning or all day. In the morning they do reading and writing, so I get a small group of kids to play little games or do little activities with. I love it! I have a few of my favorite kids that are always telling me funny things like what they had for dinner last night or how they like my hair (the consensus is DOWN). This school is so crazy sometimes though. hmm more on this later

Um well my semi-media fast is going ok. I have seemed to fill up my time with other non-media (yet still very unproductive) time wasters so.... yeah.... 

Currently I am at the Whites while Jenna naps. :) Easy job huh? That is, until she wakes up and I have to pick up the boys! :) 

So - real quick - because it has taken up enough of my real life conversations - let me just say THE BACHELOR IS CRAZY. more on this later, too. It's time I take advantage of this time and use it for good, not evil!

my feeble attempt at accountability

Consider this a little something I'd call a "Rapid Fire Post!"

It is the Lenten Season! Merry Lenten! haha... So today I've been debating the whole idea of "Sacrificing" something for Lent. Things like soda... or ice cream... or wearing toe socks... or something like that. I have done (some) of these ideas (not the toe socks - i couldnt live w/o em! haha... in 1998...) and its been challenging, and after I would feel proud of myself for "actually" doing it. If you know me at all, I tend to have a passionate start for projects or programs I put myself on and then fizzle. While this is a good lesson in "sticking with it" I had to reflect on what it did to strengthen me spiritually. Nothing really. I also found that I subconsciously liked the "dietary" benefits from refraining from junk food. not the point. I feel the argument of "giving something up just to feel sacrifice" is unjust. Can you really compare not eating ice cream for a month and a half to Jesus' death? Now, let me make clear that I am not bashing anyones sacrifices, or trying to put an end to the idea full stop - I just wanted to do something a little different. 

"What goes in, comes out" - An elementary truth to the Christian life. This year I have decided to do a little "Personal Media Fast". Not every day, but enough days I can waste hours watching horrible t.v., even when it is just on in the background... just turn it off woman! I realized the other day I spend an average of 1.5 - 2 hours a day in the car. Thats alot! At night or when I have some free day time - I like the read. I am in the middle of the second Twilight book - New Moon. When adding all these things together, I realized all the small changes I could make to really focus this Easter. Listen to Christian music exclusively (great for in the car), read the freaking BIBLE instead of a "devotion - ok twilight time" nightly routine, and not watch tv. Now the trick is that this is a PERSONAL fast - so im not going to refuse watching a movie with a friend or insist that a radio station is changed and even Lost and The Office which I watch with the fam is ok - but for my personal time, I am eliminating it. Unfortunately, the personalishness of this fast makes it easy for me cheat. But now I wrote it down. And you read it. so. Ill feel guilty. So thank you! 

p.s. I realize there may be situations where there is much gray area in this plan. I am working on it. :) 

for Courage.

This feeling takes me back to 6th grade. To be specific, the night before my first day of sixth grade. Not only was 6th grade the zenith (reach the zenith.... reach the highest point in the sky...) of awkward for me in life - we're talkin' braces, occasional glasses, bad hair cuts, and the mess of a face that didn't know how to wear make-up - and it all had to take place at a brand new school. Having gone to a microscopic sized Lutheran school, I was not exactly prepared for the big, strange, and most of all Brookfield, Middle School. and I knew it. I saw all the Ugly Betty moments I would have. And I imagined them all night before my first day. I wish I could have a "but it's ok! I ended up loving it!" ending, but I don't. I made some great friends that, in true junior high fashion, turned out to be not-so-great. I switched back to the puny Lutheran School and loved it. 

This kinda feels like that. Tomorrow is the first day of my field work for Early Childhood Education. I am so excited/nervous! Excited - to finally get a taste of what I am in for, because I am with 2nd grade! :) and because it's a new experience. Nervous - I have no idea what I am doing and have no business acting like a teacher when Im NOT one! ahhh! haha I have never been inside an MPS (Milwaukee Public School), and I have heard countless horror stories from other girls in my major. Just this morning I was talking to one who had her first day. "At one point, the teacher just totally lost control of the class and started SCREAMING at them!" uhhh... yikes! One relief is that I do not have to do any planning for the class - just helping! So I know after tomorrow I am sure I'll have a great time... its just getting there. 

Speaking of "Getting There" (yes, this is a test to weed out the hardcore Mary-Kate and Ashley fans from the occasional watchers...) That was the title of my latest poem for my creative writing class :) It just fit, and although I struggled with it because its also the title of the worst movie ever made, I decided to give the title a second chance at success. This class has been amazing! We have poems due every week and get tons of feed back - it feels like a community. Unfortunately, all of the writing I have been doing for that class has kind of taken my blogging energy. Sorry. Maybe I will post some of my finished poems after a few drafts... 

Tonight was one of the nights I love living at home. I finished work and was home and setting the table for dinner. (I thought it would be funny to set Julia's place with a sippy cup and baby silver ware... to which my dad retaliated by switching my cup to a tiny medicine cup when I wasn't looking... oh Dad... ok it doesn't sound funny now but at the time it was). When we got into this conversation about World Injustices. I looked around at how grown up we all were! We got into Darfur and Blood Diamond... and by the end it was hard to not be embarrassed by my own negligence.  Micah 6:8 "What does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." The passion to do justly is fleeting with me. I dream of trips witnessing and being part of breaking social injustice. Then I realize I would rather just sit comfortably. Not that there is only one or the other... It just feels like it is sometimes. How can I help? Step one: Step out of my small world and see the real one right outside. 

Tonight I pray for Courage. For tomorrow and for each day after. The courage to brave the unknown, the courage to make change, and to live the Daring Life. 

Circumstances

Circumstances: reasons, excuses and unpredictables.

  A couple of days ago I was driving (up Elmbrook hill, if you must know) where there is a level median in the road. There was a car with it's flashers on sitting in the median. I looked in to see if there was anyone inside- there was. The most I could tell was that "it" was a "he" because I drove on my way. There were cars behind me and I had somewhere to be. The circumstances, you see, were not perfect for me to roll down a window and see if everything was ok. Excuse.

  I tried to read Grant's expression as he told me his car broke down- for good. It was sad and - not exactly upset but something like it. What college student has money to buy a car? I guess sometimes God takes circumstances and changes them without a warning sign. Unpredictable.

  I have never been so uneasy about another persons life as I am now, about one of my best and dearest friends. I am worried she has convinced herself that circumstances have changed in a relationship when they haven't. But I dont know.  Nor do I know Gods plan for her life. God teach me to pray instead of worry. Reason.

  Sometimes living at home drives me crazy. But these are the best circumstances I could be in. I know I belong here and God has plans for me here- and now. My dad said something that struck me hard today - "God has each day planned out for us. So there is never too much to do in one day and not too little." Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" line comes to mind - Author of Salvation. (as Grant brought my attention to it this morning in worship). My first thought is to cringe at the days I have wasted. Excuse. 

Sometimes everything becomes so clear. (and then I feel ashamed I didnt see it before). There is one truth that hits me continually. The secret to life. Show the world God's light by serving others. By ignoring the circumstances. By stopping traffic.

Years Later....

Of course I am going to apologize to my hardy group of avid readers. My posts have been.... non existent. On the bright side, the reason for the lack of postage is because I have been spending my 24/7s with most of you. :) 

Overviews can be tedious so I will be brief. Christmas was beautiful and peaceful. Almost too peaceful without Bethany and Nate at work Christmas Eve... But Christmas Day made up for it with the typical van ride to the cities (even Grant... it takes a special guy to brave hours trapped with Tweetens...) and had chili at Bethanys apartment. My favorite part is when we break out the guitars and sing. :) Christmas is followed by a few days in a hotel with my extended family playing board games and eating. New Years was.... pretty much the same. haha, Board games, card games and way to much food - OH plus my best friends :) so it was perfect. 

Aren't relationships fascinating? Learning about them, hearing about them, being in them... Just because we are PEOPLE we all crave them. Most recently I have found romantic relationships to be especially interesting. Like REAL relationships. Real Love. Another innate crave. The age I am is weird. On the brink of real life and childhood. Some people my age are engaged- or even married and some hardly think of it. For me, it is something I am ready to begin preparing for- I am not saying that I am planning a dream wedding or something- I mean preparing myself to be the woman God created. Then the wife, then the mother. I want to be the patient, beautiful, strong servant. I want to marry a man that is going to take the lead- lead me to Cross and to God's Grace, and I want to be the woman willing to take his lead.  He is a "warrior protecting my heart" (as taken from Dateable :) ) instead of trying to capture it. Equal but different roles. A partnership and a confidant. Without Christ, the relationship is unstable, unsatisfying and temporary. A team with a goal. Like God's 100% selfless, pure love. The sad thing is, this love is hard to find. Marriages are failing in America. If you know me, you know I have my problems with my parents. One thing I have always admired was their love- their marriage. There are always exceptions, but there a few things I have picked up from my parents through the years in how to have a successful marriage. 

1. United We Stand. Even when I KNEW they disagreed, they would hardly show it to the kids. They were a united front - and as frustrating as it is to argue with a united front, I admire them.

2. Confide. I see, and hear them sharing stories (frustrations, problems) about their day. It may seem simple, but what would happen without that? I remember for a short time in my life when my dad traveled for work, my mom waiting for his call on the nights he was gone. Kind of a bazaar high school circumstance. 

3. Pray together. The third strand.

Its been over a week since I wrote that ^ and was planning to finish it... but here I am with no idea where I was planning to end. So I will just say that my hope would be to be in a God fearing relationship- and marriage. Grant and I had a conversation today about encouraging each other spiritually - and while we (and I) am not perfect, and not where we want to be, I love being encouraged and prayed for by the guy I care about. I pray the same for all my friends.